President John McCain, who is a brain in a jar, deregulated all streets, roads, and highways. "We will have no more restrictive lanes, speed limits, or traffic lights" the floating brain bubbled.
In a separate move, at the recommendation of Vice President Sarah Palin, the administration used the newly expanded Patriot Act Extreme to criminalize all Harvard graduates with Kenyan fathers and American mothers. Barack Obama, who has been contesting the last presidential election for almost two years, was last seen heading for the Canadian border with Tom Morello, banned guitarist, singer, and songwriter.
"This is not a trick to arrest ex-Senator Obama," said Palin. "We were going for Morello, and just got, well, you know... lucky!"
Despite the use of really smart weapons, Homeland Security troops were unable to penetrate the 5,090 high-mileage vehicle caravan escorting the pair north.